A Battle Against My Body

What struggling with PCOS has taught me about faith and life

I had a really sweet conversation with a dear friend one evening who has been struggling with health problems where her body has been literally attacking itself on and off for years. Doctors haven’t known what was going on, and there were weeks where she felt fine and weeks where getting out of bed was a victory in and of itself.

With my diagnosis of PCOS, this was an encouraging conversation. The more I know about what is going on in my body, the more I don’t know.

Essentially, I’m fighting a hormonal disorder where I have elevated levels of testosterone and other things that have caused fatigue, weight gain, irregular cycles, mood swings, and just about everything else in between. Doctors don’t know what causes it or how to cure it, so in short, I have been told by two different doctors to eat healthy and exercise. Isn’t that the remedy for everything, though?

It can be incredibly discouraging to struggle with something that even medical professionals don’t really know how to treat, but yet isn’t fatal in the way cancer is. It’s this strange limbo of fighting against your own mind, body, and emotions as you exist day in and day out feeling “fine,” but not “optimal.”

The more I learn about my condition and how to treat it so I can go from just living to living well, the more I think about this fight against my body as it relates to my faith and my fight against sin.

As a Christ-follower, I am not perfect. In fact, the moment I decided to start following Jesus and His teachings, the more aware I became of my own pure awfulness. He sees me as perfect and forgiven because of His life, death, and resurrection. Because of what He did, I want to honor Him with my life and my choices. I obey out of love and worship, not out of duty and force.

However, the longer I am a Christian, the more I realize that I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I want to do.

“For I do not understand my own actions… I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… for I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh… I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out… I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing… it is no longer I who do it, but the sin that dwells within me.”

— Romans 7:15–20

When talking with my friend, it struck me how we both want to live full lives—working hard, loving our families, being active, and pursuing friendships and hobbies. And yet our bodies work against us in ways we would never choose.

In the same way, as Christians, we want to live like our Savior, yet so often we give in to our original sinful ways. There is literally nothing good in us apart from God. That’s why it is so easy to fall prey to becoming a hypocritical Christian; we do the things our soul doesn’t want to do but that our flesh does.

Sweet friend, if you find yourself at a loss because you feel like you are fighting against yourself—whether in your faith or in your body or anything in between—know that you are not alone. Reach out to me; I would love to talk. And know this: Jesus walked in a human body and was tempted. He knows exactly what you are feeling, even if you don’t think He does.

Sweet friend, keep fighting the good fight—in body and in spirit.

With love,

Sarah

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