a letter to the mom deep in loneliness

a lament and encouragement for when the village feels nonexistent

Photo by Jarle Johansen on Unsplash

Hey sweet friend,

I have been processing a lot of feelings lately.

As moms, we don’t typically get to process our feelings (or finish a meal or complete a thought 😅). We may feel big emotions and regulate them while also regulating our kids’ feelings, but very rarely do we get to actually process them and their origin, their trigger, their link to the bigger picture of our life and walk with God.

If you’re anything like me, you can maybe work through some things in counseling and plan how to move through those feelings in the future, but it is not always guaranteed that we can just conjure up the feelings and mindsets that require processing on command.

All that to say, I have been trying to move through my feelings intentionally (and not just intellectualize them!) by sharing thoughts on Subtack notes, voice memos to myself and friends, and talking my husband's ear off (I am an external processor, unfortunately lol).

Lately, my feelings have centered around 3 emotions: loneliness, grief, and a sprinkle of resentment. I’m hoping that by walking through what I have currently processed and how I am seeking God in this area of my life, we can encourage and learn from each other.

The Lament

In this current season of my life, I feel mega lonely, and I honestly am not really sure why.

I have wonderful friends, family, and a church we love. But I think the sting comes from unrealized expectations.

Unrealized expectations are a big pain in my petunia. I struggled so much with them early on in marriage, and they can cause so much hurt both internally and relationally. The problem is, we don’t know we have these specific ideas in our heads about how we expect events to go or how we expect people to act, and when they don’t, we can lash out without even knowing we had this mindset to begin with. To be on the receiving end of the lashing is also painful because, well, you can’t read people’s minds and apparently some people (aka, me!) can’t read our own minds!

My poor husband. He has been so patient with me in this area (I love you Crawford!).

Anyway, I didn’t realize I had this expectation about what my community/village would look like in motherhood until it didn’t happen.

I grew up in a family that was very intentional about quality time together, spiritual growth and disciplines, and serving others. It is a beautifully blended family; I love everyone dearly and have great relationships with my parents and stepfamily. I don’t even see my step/half-siblings as such; we operate as if we are all biological and we all love each other and God deeply. I am honored to have my family as not only family here on earth but also family as brothers and sisters in Christ. That is not a privilege I take lightly.

However, right after I got married, one older sibling and my mom and stepdad moved overseas for missions and the other older sibling moved to another state to pursue an amazing career opportunity with their spouse. My younger sibling is currently finishing college in another state as well. My dad lives hours away in his hometown area which I am so happy for as it is a move he wanted to make a long time.

My best friend from high school and I live 3.5 hours apart and have for most of our friendship.

Everyone is pursuing what they have felt God call them to do or where God called them to be and I can’t reiterate how happy I am for them.

So why do I feel so desperately alone?

I think it stems from the unrealized expectation I had that I would have loves for my daughters to be raised alongside their cousins or be able to pop over to the grandparents house with an amazing yard and fresh baked cookies and tons of quality time.

I dreamed that my friends from church would live close by or down the street and be able to come over regularly so we could parent the chaos of our children together.

I wanted my children to experience a version of childhood that I had.

(Side note: to my family and friends who may be reading, please know this is not an accusation against you but a reflection of the vulnerable work God is doing in me. I love yall, miss yall, and am so happy for yall 🫶🏼)

So with this realization, where do I go from here?

The Encouragement

I am not really sure. I honestly started this article back in March and felt like I was still too unhealed to finish it then. Am I in a better place now? Yes and no. I’m still in it. I am still working through so much of this as I walk through my unrealized expectations surrounding God, family, friends, and church.

So I will share the two truths encouraging me right now:

God has never left.

and

Community can come from the most surprising of places if only we hold our hearts and hands wide open to God.

You are not alone, sweet friend <3.

Much love,

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